A TEXT POST

He told me to learn to think for myself because I asked him a question that to him had an obvious answer. I am sick of people thinking I am stupid all the time because I’m really not. I understand certain concepts and others are challenging for me. Welcome to being a human being.

A PHOTO

Probably the toughest part of grief

A TEXT POST

a poem about pizza

professorforeskin:

cold or hot
rain or shine
i’ll be eating pizza
100% of the time

Reblogged from L@c7aT!oN n@t!oN
A TEXT POST

After too many months shadowed with mistakes and regrets, I’ve come up with a new philosophy on how to live life: try your best to be someone your younger self would be proud of. 

A TEXT POST

He felt so warm today and I felt so cold

so I fell into his arms and tried to transform into him

because I thought if we could be one unit we’d be okay,

and our noses touched and I smiled into his face,

and I could see all his freckles and feel his toes under mine,

and we held each other for so long time was lost on us

but then suddenly we were heavy and we were falling into each other

instead of falling for each other 

and I realized love is hard. It’s really, really hard. 

Is that why it’s so important?

A TEXT POST

today is one of those days where I feel sad and don’t know what to do about it except hide and not eat anything. 

A PHOTO

Innocence, innocence, my old friend. What I would do to feel you again. 

A TEXT POST

And today makes four

Well, there it is. Another year gone by in my family of four. It’s getting easier to distance myself from the events four years ago, to stare straight ahead and keep my chin up. When he first died, I remember one of the hardest things was ordering a table at a restaurant. The four of us would file in, me, my mom, my dad, and Nate, frowning faces and hands in pockets. The hostess would watch us come in and look up from her cell phone, rolling her eyes and forcing a smile. “How many in your party?” she’d ask. “Five.” It was automatic. “Oh, is there someone else joining you?” Shit. “No, no one else is joining us.” “So…four then?” We’d walk to our table without looking up. 

But now it’s been four years. We stopped making that mistake after the first two. 

Today I had my weekly therapy session and my therapist, an overly enthusiastic grad student who is quite frankly trying way too hard, insisted that I talk about Alex. “Tomorrow’s the day,” she said “tomorrow’s the day your brother died.” I looked at her. “I think you need to talk about him today. I think it’d be good for you.” She has one of the most condescending tones I have ever heard. When she speaks to me, I feel like I’m about five years old. But she’s very nice. Very, very nice. So I have to be polite. “Alright,” I said, “I’ll talk.” She has been waiting for those two words since our sessions began last fall. I have trouble talking to people. I swallowed, and I closed my eyes. I fingered my bracelets. “Okay,” I said, “okay.” 

For some reason, and I don’t quite understand why, I am grateful for Alex’s death. Not for the fact that I don’t have him anymore, oh God no, living without him gets harder every single day. I will never be grateful for his absence. But what has happened to me in the years since his passing, that I am grateful for. His death has forced me to look at the world in a different light. I try my hardest to see things as though it’s the last time I’m going to see them because I have come to terms with the fact that people do die young, all the time, and who is to say I won’t be one of those people? Live every day like it’s your last. It’s cliche as all hell and the only people I’ve ever heard actually say it are old and smell like fish. But that doesn’t change the actual meaning behind it. Appreciate everything. Don’t take anything for granted, because in the end you will have nothing at all. Love your family, your friends, your childhood heroes, your books, your television shows, your fucking stuffed animals, everything. Take a walk and look up at the trees, the sky, the rivers and the lakes, that the earth has blessed us with. It sounds so stupid and I know so few of you will read this and actually do it but it’s so important. WE ARE SO LUCKY. ALL OF US! We are so god damn lucky to be literally surrounded by beauty. One of the most influential writers of our time, David Foster Wallace, said in a commencement speech in 2005 that it was time that people paid attention to the obvious. I couldn’t agree more. Alex isn’t with me anymore and he hasn’t been for four years and he was my brother and my best friend. I took him for granted. I absolutely took him for granted. I don’t want to repeat that mistake. With anyone or anything. Because the fact is, I am so fucking lucky to have the privilege of life. And so are all of you. So enjoy it, and appreciate it, and love love love love love it. Appreciate what’s obvious. What’s simple. It’s the least you could do on Valentine’s Day. 

A TEXT POST

Why are letters not a thing anymore??

Letters are so much better than literally everything else and I don’t understand why everyone is not writing them all the time.